Red Diamond Heist
by Zo One
Summary: They were normal, carefree, and unassuming. It was their disguise. Hacker!Alfred x Thief!Arthur; Criminal AU; UKUS


**Red Diamond Heist**

In a small, unassuming case at the end of a long hallway in New York's Metropolitan Museum, was the Pearl Egg. Any onlooker could see that it was, obviously, an egg-shaped piece of artwork created by carving each pearl: white, pink, and black, into blooming roses and painstakingly placing them into aesthetic designs.

But there were the very few that knew better. At the center of the rose-carved pearls there was a large cut red diamond – something that would sell for millions of dollars per carat. It was a myth to most – an immaculate design to hide a dead Lord's wealth from his greedy sons, but to them it was a reality. They had proof, or at least enough of it, and they were certain.

They were going to steal it.

Alfred wheeled his office chair across the room, kicking his feet out in front of him until his back hit the wall. He was gnawing on the cap of a pen, the chewed Bic had been lost an hour before, rolling somewhere under the metal desk and nudging between several fat cords. His blue eyes continuously peered at a wide screen mounted on the opposite wall, a wireless mouse in his lap that he fiddled with once every few minutes.

"Have you got it yet?"

Alfred frowned at his companion's English accented voice. "It's only been two hours," he grumbled. "Of course I ain't got it."

The computer crackled and went silent.

Arthur was leaning against the doorframe with his lithe arms crossed over his chest. "How long could it possibly take to download blueprints?"

"You watch too many of those hacker movies," Alfred said and wheeled his chair to where Arthur stood. "I don't just bash on the keyboard and voila! It takes hours – sometimes days, and a lot of diet Sunkist." He shook a half empty can and set it back down. "This one still has good two or so hours on it – I mean it _is _the security map. It's not like they stick it on their main visitor page."

Arthur uncrossed his arms and stuck his hands in the pockets of his loose gray pants.

"Well, you know, since we got some time, we could always go out and do something?"

"I don't want to go anywhere until this phase is finished. There is far too much at stake to be taking a leisurely stroll through the bloody city." Arthur grimaced at the monitor. "Why does this take so damn long?"

Alfred sat back in his chair and folded his hands in his lap. He slurped his spit through the pen cap. "It's the way of the game! You just have to have patience!"

"I have patience where it matters."

He cast Arthur a glance. "Right. Well, since you're set on staying… what do you want to do? We could always watch porn or something."

Arthur raised one of his thick brows. "Today isn't a good day." He folded his arms again and tilted his head back to blow out a breath of annoyance. "The least you could do is to stop suggesting stupid things."

"Hey," Alfred said defensively, "porn isn't stupid! It's my favorite pop-up virus, you know? Some people really flip shit when suddenly there are thousands of porn pop-ups on their computer." He smiled at Arthur look of indifference. "But really! Is there anything I can do for you? You know, since it's such a horrible day? I mean I could give you a foot rub or a back massage. I really am that bored."

"I'm thrilled to know you'll only stoop so low as to give me a massage when you're bored. Honestly now." Arthur leaned forward and grabbed the chair's armrests. He pulled Alfred closer and grinned wickedly. "Is that anyway to treat your _partner_?"

"At least I was nice about it."

Arthur pressed his lips to Alfred's. "Mm I suppose you were," he mumbled against Alfred's mouth. "But I really need those schematics, ASAP."

They kissed again, their lips moving together with wet smacks as Alfred's hand slowly trailed up the inseam of Arthur's trousers.

"I'm a hacker, not a miracle worker," Alfred breathed. He went in for another kiss, Arthur's fingers tangling into the back of his hair, when his pager sounded off with three distinct beeps. "Aw, now that's not fair!" he whined and pulled away from Arthur to roll his way back to the monitor. "Lucky for you it's done, but not lucky for me. I was sure I'd actually…. Gah!"

Arthur made a mocking coo noise, tucking his chin on the top of Alfred's head as he worked downloading the information and keeping his trail clean. "Aw, did you bring lube? If not you weren't getting any to begin with, love."

Alfred harrumphed and hit the keyboard harder.

"But… if this is what I'm looking for… perhaps I can treat you tonight?"

"Of course this is what you're looking for, dammit." Alfred grabbed a ball cap from his cluttered desk that said _Zombie Slayer_ in red font and shoved it over his golden blond hair. "You say that like I'm an amateur."

Arthur chuckled. "Well, there have been times."

"Ah! Ah – ah – ah! We don't talk about those, remember?" He huffed but finished his work, quickly printing off the layout of the museum and its security defenses. "Everything is up to date. Here's a list of all the employees, their schedules and security hours. Of course you know to expect more but yeah – it's all here." Alfred handed Arthur a small stack of papers after waving them around a bit to dry the ink. "Do I get a thank you?"

"Yes, yes, thank you, love," he mumbled as he sorted through the papers with a concentrated frown. "See you at home…."

Alfred groaned in despair as Arthur shuffled out of the room.

* * *

Alfred Jones owned a small, community-based library on the corner of 48th and Garden Ave. It had enough business to stay in operation, and young kids swarmed to it on Thursday nights when Alfred held videogame tournaments in the conference rooms. He and his partner were well liked community members; they volunteered, kept their neighbor's lawn trimmed when they were away vacationing, and had a beautiful garden in their yard that Arthur would let children pick flowers from on occasion and with his help.

They were normal, carefree, and unassuming.

It was their disguise.

A large, scrolling blueprint was spread over the kitchen table and Arthur hovered over it with a pen tucked behind his ear. "I'll have to use this entrance," he said and pointed at an x marked on the prints. "The security is weakest there."

Matthew, Alfred's cousin and night security at the museum who was being paid a large sum of money to give up this kind of information, tilted his head, one finger tracing along the paper as he mumbled something under his breath. "Yes, I can see that. At eleven forty-five, I'll be right here." He pointed to the outline of a Ukrainian art exhibit. "But, if Al can trigger the fire alarms all the security will have to regroup at this entrance," he said and tapped his finger at the main doors. "Then we split in two groups and go through the exhibits until we find the source – if it's not obvious at least. Usually we wait for the fire department."

Arthur nodded and jotted down the time frames they would have to work with. "Alfred do you think you can trigger their fire alarms remotely?"

"Probably," Alfred said with his mouth full of Cheetos. He swallowed and coughed. "It depends on how dated their systems are, but the newest ones, especially shit like ADT, always have the emergency wireless backtracking. But if anything you could always start a trashcan fire in the alley. And I could switch the video feed with porn clips."

"You're absolutely impossible."

Matthew laughed. "Actually I know that guard's email," he said with amusement. "I'm pretty sure he checks it on the database computer – we're not supposed to but from what I understand his wife sends him dirty emails in the middle of the night shift."

Alfred stood from his chair to stand next to Matthew. He leaned into his cousin with a lecherous smile. "Oh really now? That'll make things interesting!" He turned to Arthur with a thoughtful expression. "I should be ready in two or three weeks. I'll have to talk to Gilbert – I have a great idea."

* * *

Arthur leaned against the doorway of their bedroom with a loosened tie and an amused smile. "Are you nervous, love?" he asked, startling his partner.

"What? Me? No way – of course not, haha. You're the one doing most of the work tomorrow night, not me, not really haha…." Alfred fidgeted with the blankets, pulling the quilt around his bare shoulders and shrugging it off repeatedly. "Damn I can't wait until all of this is over."

Arthur made his way into the room. It was dark but he could almost see the deep mauve of the carpet, the sanded wood of their plain furniture, and the corner where Arthur had allowed Alfred to pin a few of his favorite videogame posters. "You've all the preparations ready?" he asked even though he knew Alfred did. "You bought the tickets to Italy?"

"Months ago." Alfred welcomed Arthur to the bed and encircled his arms around him. "Maybe… well maybe I'm just a bit worried. We've done shit like this before, I know, but well… you know. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"I have the utmost faith in your abilities, love." He kissed the jut of Alfred's collarbone and sighed through his nose. "Do you know what helps me relax?"

"Please say sex," Alfred mumbled, his fingers running small courses over Arthur's clothed back.

"Sex."

Alfred barked out a laugh and pulled Arthur on top of him as he flopped back down on the mattress. He was meticulous in undressing Arthur, popping off one button at a time and letting his hands roam from time to time as Arthur grabbed at his ass.

"Do you need to use the bathroom?" Arthur asked as he tugged Alfred's sweatpants down to his thighs. "I'm not in any particular rush."

"Says you." Alfred squirmed out of the clothes and spread out below Arthur. "I don't have to and it would be really great if you fucked the nervousness out of me."

Arthur hummed deep in his throat. He nipped at the soft skin of Alfred's throat as he palmed at Alfred's crotch. "I'm sure I can manage that," he muttered.

Alfred whined and thrust into Arthur's palm with thick grunts. "Ah, hah, well you might be – uhn, able to-ahh, go slow and steady, but not me. Oh god not me. C'mon Arthur – please."

"I do so love it when you beg." He kissed Alfred's chin and then buried his nose against the American's shoulder.

"Shut up, I'm… I'm not begging. I… just really wa-ah-nt it." Alfred fumbled with Arthur's belt, jerking his charcoal pants down.

They both gasped as Arthur rubbed their naked groins together, rolling his hips into Alfred's slowly. "It has been a while, hasn't it? We've been so busy with preparations… I'm sorry."

Alfred cupped Arthur's face between his hands. "Don't be. Now is all you gotta do is grab the lube – it's in the nightstand – and kiss me."

The kiss was warm and sensual after Arthur managed to grab the lube and spread the clear gel across his fingers. "Everything will be alright," Arthur whispered against Alfred's kiss-plumped lips, his slicked fingers pressing against his partner's entrance.

"I know, I know." He laid back and took a deep breath. "Everything will go perfect tomorrow. I know it will. I'll be there to make sure it does."

Arthur carefully began to finger Alfred, showering his chest with kisses and small nips, making sure to avoid Alfred's nipples as they were sensitive to the point of ticklishness. There wasn't anywhere he didn't want to brush his lips against on Alfred; against the swelling curves of the American's muscles or the dips of his shoulders and the apples of his cheeks. Moving to America after a heist gone wrong had been the best decision of his life. Without Alfred he would be in a prison somewhere in Germany, alone and forgotten in a high security, cinderblock cell.

"I love you," Arthur murmured. He slicked up his cock and peered down at Alfred's flushed face. "You don't mind if I don't use a condom, do you?"

"What? Seriously?" Alfred bit his lower lip and made a frustrated noise. "I don't think we have any left, do we? Shit… fucking shit, okay just don't come inside okay? There's too much stuff we have to worry about in the morning than giving me an enema."

"Point taken." He sucked on Alfred's collarbone as he slid inside, groaning as Alfred raised his hips up to meet him, his cock rubbing against Arthur's stomach. "Oh you feel lovely."

Alfred groped Arthur's ass and pulled him forward. "Faster," he demanded with a short breath.

Arthur did as he was told, upping his pace from a comfortable rocking to short, snapping thrusts that made their skin slap together. He hovered over Alfred, kissing the man below him when he was commanded, following his every direction as his hand would occasionally snake between their bodies so he could tug at Alfred's cock.

"Mm, God, ah more," Alfred cried. His toes curled into the sheets and his hips bucked up into Arthur's seeking more friction, his thighs tensing whenever the head of Arthur's cock brushed against his prostate. "I-I'm so close…."

"Can't…." Arthur's arms twitched as he leaned forward and then pulled out of Alfred with a gasp. He quickly fisted himself with sticky fingers and came onto Alfred's stomach. Arthur tucked his face into the dip of Alfred's shoulder as he trembled in post-orgasm, the American's fingers running soothingly through his hair.

Arthur's sticky hand gripped Alfred's cock, pumping it slowly until he had gathered most of his wits and Alfred was jerking into his touch. He rubbed the base of Alfred's cock and fondled his balls, squeezing and tugging until Alfred's nails bit into his shoulders and he came with a choked cry.

"We should never wait that long again," Alfred mumbled when Arthur went lax against him. "When we get to Italy we have to have sex right away – in celebration."

Arthur laughed. "I agree, love. It will be a splendid celebration at that."

They settled against one another, sated and relaxed, and drifted off into a much needed sleep.

* * *

Alfred checked his wristwatch for the third time that minute. Nine forty-five it told him in bold, digital numbers. "Alright, kids!" he shouted over the racket in the room. "Everyone in the Halo tournament to that side of the room – that projector is yours and everyone in the Guitar Hero competition over there! Gilbert's keeping your scores so there's no cheating!"

Gilbert Beilschmidt was a good friend of Alfred's back in their community college days in the computer science department. Gilbert had dropped out and Alfred obtained an Associate's Degree in library science, but they had remained close friends. Gilbert was German whose roots could be traced back to an old, prestigious Prussian family – something of which he was particularly fond. Alfred liked him because he was loud, oftentimes strange, and he was great with kids.

"Can you watch the kids?" Alfred asked Gilbert once everything was set up. "I have some backed due-logs to finish and I was hoping I'd be able to do 'em now so Art won't get pissy with me for being home late."

"Oh I see, trying to keep it all smooth with the 'wife', eh?" Gilbert laughed and it sounded more like snake than a laugh. "But yeah these kiddos won't cause any problems and if they do I'll just yell at them in good ole German. They don't need to know what I'm saying, just know that I'm angry."

Alfred snorted. "Thanks! It really means a lot!" He clapped him on the shoulder and hurried into the basement where he kept his equipment. The floors were simple spongy black mats to absorb shock and sound with plain white walls with mounted monitors concentrated in one corner. He grabbed his _Zombie Slayer _cap and put it on, twisting it backwards so the bill wouldn't get in the way of his headset mouthpiece.

"This is Freedom Eagle to Quoth the Raven, come in Raven."

"_Please shut up. I am in position, keep me updated over and out."_

Alfred grinned and swiveled in his office chair before resting his hands on his keyboard and started. He had an hour to backtrack his previous work. "Damn," he muttered as he worked, bouncing in his seat from excitement, "this beats white hat pen-testing any day."

Arthur was likely rigged up to the roof somewhere scowling in impatience. He was extremely thorough in his work, diligent in life and cautious when on the prowl. After his close brush with the law five years ago the Englishman had become cunning beyond his years.

Alfred loved it and when Arthur had approached him about a partnership, he couldn't imagine saying no.

"Alright, the email is sent. Expect a wonderful surprise Mr. Donner. I'm sure your wife will appreciate it. Fire alarms are set to go off in twelve minutes. Good thing Matt's not working tonight."

"_Countdown."_

Alfred watched the timer on his monitor. "Eleven minutes." He checked his remote server access, double and triple checking that his IP was bouncing. "Ten minutes."

He continued his countdown; Arthur's breathing resounding through his headset as the lithe Englishman got to work.

"Virus accepted. Mr. Donner how do you like your extra graphic, hardcore German BDSM? AKA video feed offline."

"_Be careful or I might have to thank you."_

Alfred grinned and spun in his chair. "Two minutes."

He could hear the screech of the alarm through Arthur's feedback. So Arthur was inside and the rest of the work would be up to him. He began going back and erased what traces he could of his presence in the binary codes. As a further safeguard he took remote access of a computer at his old college campus and sent a "spam cannon" to their IT servers, flooding it with significant amounts of traffic until it crashed.

"I'm out. I love you, be careful, and I'll pick you up from the rendezvous."

"_Affirmative."_

Alfred pulled off his headset, shut down his computer, and jogged back upstairs to find several of the younger kids crawling on Gilbert as he tried to lift them like weights. "Yo," he greeted with an anxious smile. "The 'wife' just called and I need to pick him up – he had a lot to drink. Can you handle it from here?"

"Ja, sure. It must suck to be tied down to someone so high maintenance, but well if Arthur's that, uhhh," he glanced around at the kids, "_sloshed_, it'd be better to get him before he ends up sharing a bed with the dogs, you know? I expect some serious overtime for this, though!"

"Yeah, sure thing! Also remember the winner gets fifty bucks if they come in tomorrow with a parent!" Alfred tossed the library keys to Gilbert and gave the German a mock salute before dashing off to his car. He tore through traffic, bit his nails at every stoplight, and rubbed his palms against the vinyl steering wheel cover when he just wanted to bail from his car and run to Arthur.

Despite his worries, Arthur was waiting for him in a Macy's parking lot, wearing gym clothes with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. "It's about time you showed up," Arthur chimed. He sounded tired, but happy and excited. He dumped the duffle bag into the backseat and slid into the passenger's side. "Victory kiss?"

"I'll give you so much more than that when we get home," Alfred mumbled as he leaned in for a wet, post-adrenaline filled kiss.

"Mmm, yes, do, but I have one question," Arthur said when Alfred pulled out of the parking lot. "When I broke the glass on the case, the theft alarm never went off. Why is that?"

Alfred grinned. "Because the fire alarm overrides all the others! Another thing I _love _about ADT type security systems. But my question is – now that we have it, and the diamond, how do you plan on getting it on the plane to Italy?"

"Have you ever heard of body packing?" He gave Alfred a lecherous look. "Everything is going to work out just fine."

He shook his head and returned his focus on the road. Soon they would be on a plane to Italy to start their lives over, wealthy and in the clear. Alfred grabbed Arthur's hand and twined their fingers together.

* * *

In a flat not too far from Naples, lived two men, a librarian and a business translator. They had come into a large wealth from a passed family member – the false documents tucked far, far away.

The sandy blond man twisted his _Zombie Slayer _cap around as he sat at his computer, grinning as he watched stocks, simply waiting for their next big heist.

- End -

* * *

_Unimportant Notes: _This was written for day two of the 2013 sweethearts week on the usxuk LJ community. I kinda like this one so I figured I'd share it elsewhere. :)


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